...things that amuse us.

Canning season is upon us

2010-07-25T21:12:00.010-04:00

It's that time of year again, when crates of tomatos at the farmer's market are cheap, making it possible for us to put up many jars for the winter.

Undoubtedly, the notion of canning seems antiquated to many. Why waste a summer evening or precious weekend day slicing and simmering pots on the stove when you can buy everything under the sun at the grocery store in abundence?

Because the truth is, most grocery store produce sucks. While it's very hard to go without any fresh food (and I don't try, but I do limit it) in the winter months, for things like pasta sauce, the truth is that the taste quality of those mealy, pinkish orbs in the grocery store don't actually have any flavor. So, these last few years we've tried to preserve some of the wonderful produce that we can buy at farm markets or grow on our own.

See how lovely?

Last year Margie and I discovered that the most excellent way to can these tomatos is to smoke em first. This lead to me buying yet another smoker (last years sucked because it took four hours to adequately smoke a tomato and this is NOT OKAY). So John and I went to the Home Depot and brought home some sort of contraption that I, being crazy, decided to build in the yard all by myself on one of summer's hottest days.

So, Matlock and I spent a lot of time in our yard trying to figure out how to smoke up some tomatos. Apparently there is a PENALTY OF DEATH for using pre-soaked briquettes or lighter fluid of any kind, so I got to work on starting fires on 103 degree days. My dog thinks I'm an idiot.

You start with something like this

Slice them and put them onto racks, and smoke before canning.

Our cucumber plant has been prolific this year. Friends and family have been the recipients of our bounty of beautiful cucumbers, crunchy and fresh off the vines. Margie and I have taken to pickling them due to the quantity.

Pretty!

The garden's bounty has been good to us thus far this year.

Cherry tomatos in abundence!

Zucchinis have become muffins

Of course I now have another 20 lbs of tomatos to process. Anyone want to come help me slice?

Poor Agnes!!!

2010-07-25T21:11:00.002-04:00

Agnes has surprised us all by somehow laying an egg that is twice the size of her normal eggs.

Sometimes life as a chicken is hard.

Featured on Prince of Petworth

2010-07-23T09:24:00.001-04:00

Our garden has been featured on local DC blog Prince of Petworth!!!

Of somewhat bigger cantaloupes and HOLY CRAP THAT'S A ZUCCHINI ALMOST AS BIG AS MY THIGH!

2010-07-10T19:14:00.006-04:00

Lovely little melons, each about the size of a lemon or so:

Aren't they sweet?

I was perusing the garden, smiling at all the ripening little tomatos...

When I noticed the fruit of my zucchini-raping loins. Well, holy crap, we DO have zucchinis. Oh and DO WE EVER. Apparently no one noticed this gem, which was close to the size of my thigh:

Oops.

Today's haul:

We have tiny baby cantaloupes!!!

2010-07-05T12:14:00.009-04:00

Well, the cantaloupe vines have done gone crazy. They've been sitting there wrapping themselves around things for weeks and we were wondering if we'd have to rape them too, but a few bees showed back up and now, lo and behold...

The garden is looking awfully snazzy:

The day's vast haul.

Brio was watching me take pictures of the garden. I'm pretty sure he thinks that we are all crazy. How does one get from a racetrack in New Mexico to a place like our little red farm with the chickens in the yard?

Brio was, of course, and off the track thoroughbred racehorse. It took him a long time to wish to live outside like a horse (he still prefers to be indoors a lot of the time) and to be cool with just hanging out. Our horses do a lot of just hanging out.

See? Big horse Wings has gotten very good at hanging out and our ridiculous antics.

In which I somehow rape a zucchini...

2010-06-27T20:00:00.009-04:00

Well, it turns out that this whole "dying off of bees" thing sucks. That, and we're pretty sure Mark made it a personal vendetta to kill them off before they killed him off, because apparently he is highly allergic and they could kill him. Unfortunately, some of our plants are not self-polinating, which led to this unfortunate afternoon, in which I had to rape a zucchini plant, quite against it's will indeed.

Do you all see how sassy I am around our farm? It was freaking 99 degrees out today and I'd already ridden one horse, so I wet down my hair and put on a baseball cap. Whoever said that riding horses is a glamorous and elegant sport has some rather severe misunderstandings. I mean, it IS... about half the time. But when the rest of you time is spent working on things around the farm, suddenly it becomes not so elegant.

I digress. That was me with a boy zucchini flower, preparing for some unprotected pollination.

My life is no longer glamorous.

However, my peppers pollinated just fine.

These are black peppers. Don't hold out any hope. We've killed the peppers somehow every other year.

The garden this week

Look at those maters!

Starting to ripen.

And alas, BOUNTY! We have cucumbers coming up like crazy.

Victorious me, harvesting cucumbers just moments after the zucchini rape. Does anyone know how to rape a melon? I don't think they're self-pollinating either.

In which Agnes plants a victory garden...

2010-06-27T19:45:00.011-04:00

Mark was out weed-eating the garden and around the chicken coop the other day and we were pleased to discover that our ladies had planted their very own garden. We'd fed them the cracked tomatos last year and lo and behold, plants have sprouted up behind the chicken coop.

First you plant the seeds...

Then, you fertilize like mad...

It's a bit more petite than our big garden...

And it definitely requires the supervision of a lady in red...

and a Gertrude to watch:

The horses were pretty unhelpful, having provided compost for this whole endeavor..

But Agnes is queen of all things cute.

Potatoes and pancakes

2010-05-27T22:11:00.008-04:00

We really didn't have a whole lot of hope when we planted seed potatos we bought at the hardware store in Catlett, Virginia. It was a whim really. We saw the sign for seed potatoes and remembered we'd read about someone who planted seed potatos, so the brother and I chopped em up and stuck them in bags with hay and compost. He was pretty sure I was delusional, in fact, never having seen someone plant potatoes and by virtue of the fact that the little things really didn't look like they would grow. I mean, they're sprouted potatoes. They don't look like fierce vines, exactly.

Wings teaches the brother how to sit on a horse.

These were the potato plants a few weeks ago:

And a few weeks ago:

And tonight:

This prompted me to think of all the amazing things that a person can do with potatoes. Like make Latkes. Latkes are a traditional Jewish Channukah dish,
given that they're uberfried in oil they really aren't exactly something you should eat more frequently than a few times a year. But they are very simple and they are wonderful.

Potato Latkes:

- A couple of good simple baking potatoes, shredded (My grandmother always said they weren't complete without knuckles in them from handgrating, I'm a vegetarian and I don't want to eat knuckles so I use my cuisinart)
- Eggs to hold them together
- Chopped parsley
- Sea salt to taste, and cracked pepper

Drain the potatoes and get all the moisture out, then mix up with eggs and salt and parsley. Fry in oil (I used a little olive and vegetable oil). Serve with applesauce or sour cream. Don't be a weirdo and use ketchup. That's just weird.

I garnished with chives, because chives are nice.

On another note, the tomatos look nice:

39?

2010-05-20T22:48:00.005-04:00

We started with 32 tomato plants. 32, why not, seemed like a reasonable number when Margie was in DeBaggio's and well, 32 should keep our two families fed for the summer, plus countless friends? I mean, we fed everyone on EIGHT plants one summer.

We immediately lost two plants to unknown critters of the night. It then seemed perfectly logical to replace them with nine more. You know, lose two, get nine more. Right?

Then we realized we didn't have ANY full sized yellow tomatos and how could we ever be complete without a full sized yellow tomato?

I suppose they are in the mail.

All lined up and tucked in their bales.

How could we do any of this without our helpers?

We also require supervision:

I've also successfully got some bagged potato plants growing. These photos were taken about a week and a half ago and they've grown into MONSTERS since then.

Scenes from the White House Farmer's Market

2010-05-20T22:40:00.005-04:00

Can I just share how awesome it is that a farm market has opened up downtown by my office, and is open from 3 p.m. until 7 p.m.? I'm sorry, City of Alexandria, I love you dearly, but you're on crack if you think I'm getting out of bed at FIVE A.M. to hit the farmer's market for decent produce. On a Saturday. The only way I'll get out of bed to be at something at 5 a.m. on a Saturday is if there's a horse show, and even then I have to be bribed with thermoses of coffee and eggy cheese sandwiches.

The WH Farm Market seems a little pricier than the ones a bit further out, but it's definitely a treat to be able to take a lunch break and go or go after work. The produce is very pretty.

Gratuitous Chicken Pictures

2010-04-29T22:25:00.002-04:00

Beginning to plant...

2010-04-29T22:15:00.005-04:00

We always mark the start of spring planning season by when DeBaggio's Herb Farm puts out their awesome heirloom tomato seedlings. Of course, you can put in your lettuce, spinach, and potatos before then, but on our farm, we worship at the leaves of the perfect tomato.

We plant ours in Straw Bales, and we feel it's the best way for lazy people like us to plant tomatos (because you don't have to till). We had read on the amazing internet that the very best way to start your straw bales rotting was with Ammonium Nitrate, which prompted Margie and I to run all around the DC Metro Area for Ammonium Nitrate. Which, um, they don't really sell here. In fact, in spite of the fact that it is a PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE FERTILIZER, all the clerks at the garden centers looked at us as if we'd grown two heads and as if us seedling-toting women were quite clearly terrorists.

"Well, I've NEVER heard of it and I DON'T recommend it," snarled the portly gentleman running the show at the garden center in Davidsonville, MD. We refrained from comment.

That was the year with, I believe, 8 tomato plants. The best year we had. This year, Margie went a little crazy in DeBaggio's and walked out with 32 plants. Hopefully they'll grow. Sometimes we screw up, and they don't.

I also harvested my lettuce tonight. It was starting to bolt.

Bolting means it is getting warm. We like warm.

Ad Placement Fail

2010-04-25T19:48:00.002-04:00

Pasta Alla Carbonara (good things for fresh eggs, part I)

2010-04-24T22:01:00.004-04:00

My roommate made Spaghetti Alla Carbonara tonight due to some leftover proscuitto. I watched her make it and, being a vegetarian, immediately got jealous and decided to make my own. Jess's recipe is simple - pasta, proscuitto, egg, parmesan, peas. I'm sure you can add to it, but this is what we made. Some people like black pepper or salt or cream - I think the parmesan added enough bite.

I used Morningstar Farms fake bacon instead of proscuitto. Egg was contributed by Gertrude.

She makes some mighty fine green eggs, this one.

Pasta Alla Carbonara - simple version for one

- 1 Gertrude egg or other egg, preferably fresh, beaten
- Big ass handful of pasta, preferably in a pretty shape, however much you want to eat (If you're very hungry or serving more people, add more than one egg, but a whole egg was almost too much for my personal bowlful)
- 2 Strips of Morningstar Farms fake bacon, or fried up real bacon, or prosciutto
- Peas for prettiness
- Parmesan or sharp hard cheese

Cook the pasta and fry your facon. Toss some peas into into the pasta and let them cook up with it and strain when al dente-ish. Return to pasta pot and stir in egg, peas, cooked bacon, and parmesan, stir until it turns sauce-like and serve.

And so it goes...

2010-03-22T11:06:00.007-04:00

And now, a year after the abduction of Mrs. Kravitz, our world has grown by leaps and bounds.

The chicken coop is now twice as high. All three hens now live in it. Mrs. Kravitz (sometimes Gladys) is still judgy but gifted us with fourteen eggs last summer before she realized we LIKED her offerings and therefore decided to stop.

Agnes and Gertrude have grown up quite a bit.

The Garden blossomed last summer and blessed us with zucchinis around the time that Mrs. K was laying eggs.

Copious Zucchini Bread was made...

That all stopped and the poor birds had to overwinter the snow storm on little red farm. 2'+ of snow was dumped on Virginia and these birds had NEVER SEENS SUCH A THING.

We all felt as though spring was never going to come... until just now, when the lady birds have been laying for the last week or so... except for Agnes. Who is ornamental. But Mrs. Kravitz and Gertrude have been at it quite a bit:

Anyone have any good recipes?

Alien chicken...

2010-03-22T10:53:00.008-04:00

Well, after having Mrs. Kravitz for a few days, we became rather convinced that she's actually an illegal alien cross-dressing chicken. Illegal alien because, well, chickens ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN TREES IN WOODBRIDGE. And cross-dressing because we couldn't figure out if she was a boy or a girl or a s/him or what have you. Apparently she had some rather, uh, well, ANDROGYNOUS qualities to her. And it's not like there were eggs falling out of her bum. We consulted multiple folks that are more chicken-knowledgeable than ourselves, but they just suggested that it was totally possible that she might be a Mr. Kravitz.

Trying as we were to be good chicken owners, we spent a nice spring day building her a palace. Or a coop. Whatever.

Wings is an outstanding coop-building helper.

From our chicken-knowledgeable friends, we learned that we needed to get Mrs. Kravitz a friend so that they could live in happy hen harmony. We hit up craigslist til we found Farmer Paul and Margie and I embarked on a trip to New Baltimore, Virginia.

Enter Agnes.

Mrs. Gladys Kravitz, upon meeting Agnes for the first time, immediately recognized the little yelping bundle of hat-wearing chicken (look at her sassy white feathers) and proclaimed her ENEMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After Mrs. K tried to kill Agnes, Margie rescued her and kicked Gladys into the barn and Agnes was ensconced in the coop. We traveled once again to New Baltimore and brought back a friend for Agnes.

This was named Gertrude.

A big week on the farm...

2010-03-22T10:34:00.010-04:00

I don't know if I ever posted the story of Mrs. Kravitz the chicken.

Mrs. Kravitz was found in a tree in Woodbridge, Virginia.

As I’d wanted chickens for a long, long time – ever since meeting my sister’s chickens in Colorado – and Margie had responded with a resounding NO, NO, NO.

Until one day she was sitting out in the sunshine enjoying her yard when the neighborhood children came running up asking for her husband. “He’s got to get a rooster out of a tree!!” they said.

Rooster? Woodbridge? Those who have been to Woodbridge, Virginia, know that it’s not the sort of place where livestock runs freely.

Margie determined that it was not a “rooster” in a tree but was most definitely a squawky little red hen.

Mark arrived via dually pickup truck and he walked up the street to the ornamental cherry tree. As he headed up the parking lot, a swarm of children followed a la the Pied Piper of Hamlin. Mark went back into the house and arrived back with a dog crate, nets, and other implements of Chicken Catching Paraphernalia and headed up the street.

Now, having never been involved in a Great Chicken Capture before, they had to "wing" it on our own. Come up with a plan, etc. Suggestions to throw sticks at it and knock it down were quickly eliminated, as was heaving a football at it.

"We don't want to hurt it or chase it, we want to sort of shoo it down and pop the net over it" she explained as I tried vainly to get the kids to back off a bit.

Mark climbed the tree.

The onlookers pushed closer in a circle around the tree. The chicken let out a disturbed "Gobba gobba gobba bock!" and the crowd retreated as if performing some bizarre maypole dance. The chicken flew higher up in the tree.

Not to be defeated, Mark continued his climb.

The chicken took flight across the parking lot and landed in a tall oak tree.

We’ve got to give it to him, he sure is tenacious.

The neighbors stared. The chicken retreated to an even HIGHER tree. Mind you, they’re only supposed to be able to fly about 2 and a half feet.

This keeps going on for a while.

Several days later, Mark finally captures the chicken, who we name Mrs. Kravitz, for the nosy neighbor in Bewitched. And boy, is she JUDGY. We didn’t really think that chickens could be so judgmental, but my, we were incorrect.

In which we "make pasta..."

2009-12-14T10:00:00.013-05:00

Upon being recently gifted with an All-Amazing-Superfabulously-Hawt-KitchenAid Mixer, my first thought was somehow that I could totally make pasta. Can't be that hard, I thought, it's just dough... I can make dough... and homemade pasta would be so... homey! interesting! so very... from scratch. Because I'm cool and good at making things from scratch. Perhaps I could even come off as looking talented.

Naturally, I'm not THAT good and for some reason, despite the fact that I bake my own bread on a regular basis and cook all the time, I don't own a rolling pin and am more prone to using large cans of the dog's green beans or whatever is in my cabinet when I'm trying to roll something out. So I tried to find the Kitchenaid Pasta attachment.

I googled and found little plates that you can attach to your meat grinder, which came complete with reviews like "caused kitchenaid motor to smoke like crazy" and the ilk and then, found reviews for the Kitchenaid Pasta Maker... which cost nearly as much as the mixer. Bah! I'm not spending hundreds of dollars on a pasta maker, sez I.

So dad and I impulsively went E-Bay shopping and the first thing that popped up was the Atlas Regina, circa the early 90s and made of plastic. We totally missed the all the other pasta makers on ebay, because the Atlas Regina promised to make SHAPES! SHAPES! None of the other pasta makers made SHAPES!

Drawn by the promises of homemade fusili, we ponied up for the Atlas Regina:

In all of it's completely weird-ass glory.

and then Brother Ari came over for an evening of pasta making.

First the All-Amazing-Superfabulous-Hawt KitchenAid mixer churned up Dough Batch One...

and Brother Ari kneaded the dough...

We have dough...

We have no idea what dough is supposed to look like... but it weighs a TON!

OMG! LITTLE BITTY PASTAS!!!

It's called an "extruder."

See them extrude?

Like... um, fuck, worms. Flour dusted worms. Unfortunately, they were too dense to really DO much with... Ari and I ate a few of them and they were reasonably pasta-like, just... very very dense. And very very sticky. Which is why we floured them.

WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

We will try again through a proper pasta roller. Meanwhile, does anyone want a Atlas Regina?

Deep thoughts, by Coleridge.

2009-08-13T14:57:00.003-04:00

My friend's cat is on Twitter. Surely Sarah's dog, Matlock, must be soon to follow.

Locally Grown Mexican Mangos

2009-08-05T10:49:00.005-04:00

In which our local grocery store attempts to capitalize on the expanding "local food" movement, in support of small farmers and communities nearby.

Except freakin MANGOS don't grow in Virginia.

Come on, safeway, WTF? Product of Mexico? Mexico isn't local to Virginia either.

I also spotted some local plums (product of California).

palinized... or just patriotic?

2009-07-13T10:53:00.003-04:00

Old Town, Alexandria, is a wonderful place. It's also deeply historic and thus deeply patriotic.

Sometimes it goes a little bit too far.

Like when this is in a shop window.

Today's news and world reports...

2009-06-17T17:41:00.002-04:00

Obama has murdered a fly.

There is plenty of news to go around, but Obama swatting a fly has made nearly every major news network.

PETA has finally responded.

"He isn't the Buddha, he's a human being and human beings have a long way to go before they think before they act."

On another note, does anyone know why G. Gordon Liddy is hawking gold as an investment strategy?

And the name of the day is "Dwill."

Because who really needs party teeth?

2009-06-02T10:49:00.004-04:00

So, you know, just like everybody else, I'm trying to stay afloat in this harsh economic climate... thought I'd cut back on the bling in my life. What better way than to do this?!

Seriously, CNN!?!?!?

2009-03-16T20:21:00.003-04:00

AGAIN?

This is your breaking headline news story of the day:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/03/12/craigslist.economy/index.html?iref=newssearch

A guy that makes $70K a year, drove expensive cars, wore fancy clothes, took his eleven year old to VEGAS for her birthday every year (staying in the most expensive hotels), and has to move back in with his MAMA after four months of not being employed? This is not a "hard knocks" tale, this is a story about someone living like an idiot.

More from our neighbors to the north...

2009-03-03T10:29:00.004-05:00

http://www.vancouversun.com/Life/Yarn+bombers+take+Vancouver+streets/1342756/story.html

I'm sure I'm going to get some major hate mail from artistes for this one... but YARN BOMBING?!?!?!?!? These so-called "activists" are "bombing" the inner city with doorknob koozies. "Guerrilla knitters!?!?” In surreptitious UNIFORM (one admits to knitting herself a pink balaclava guerilla suit)?

"Knitting tags is almost all i do now," said one person on "www.yarnbombing.com."

Seriously, the rest of us only wish we had so much free time.

The world will burst forth with warm fuzzy yarns of every breed and color, every heart will soften as it connects looping love across the planet stitch by stitch till there is no separation in our smiles.

Maybe I'm just from DC, and we're too damn practical. But I did go to art school, and I can say damn well that anyone who rambles about "looping love across the planet" really, really needs to step out more. I daresay there are a lot of folks and animals out there that could benefit from some warm knitted clothing, you know, instead of a lightpost that's been "tagged." Once upon a time, activism had a pratical purpose beyond "looping love."

2009-03-02T11:12:00.001-05:00

see more pwn and owned pictures

News of the Day

2009-01-26T21:40:00.003-05:00

Go Raccoon!!!

http://www.thenewsstar.com/article/20090124/UPDATES01/90124008/1002/NEWS01

Definitely... not at all creepy.

BEST. AD. EVER.

2009-01-21T17:14:00.000-05:00

http://brandstrategy.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/goodbye-bush-says-veet-in-cheeky-ad/

Ohhh. CNN.

2009-01-19T01:00:00.002-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/01/16/mom.son.dead.pet/index.html

REALLY?

Names of the Week: Turqwaz. Gi'Norria.

The Nation Prepares...

2009-01-14T10:44:00.003-05:00

Craigslist Today

2009-01-12T20:36:00.001-05:00

Prank you very much.

2009-01-08T10:43:00.007-05:00

As a devotee of bagels and cream cheese for breakfast, I can wholeheartedly sympathize with the Sacramento Kings for this prank they pulled on their rookie, Jason Thompson. Dude, maybe you should remember the bagels next time. For now, enjoy some fresh popcorn.

... of the day...

2009-01-06T12:16:00.003-05:00

CNN Headlines at this present time:

"Legendary band has 'unfinished music'"

"Harrison Ford's chest hair waxed, ripped off" (WITH VIDEO!)

"What will apple debut at Macworld swan song?"

"Obama reviewed cobbler on TV in '01"

"Artist tests Facebook 'nipple rule'"

This is the news.

Name of the day: Le-a.

Pronounciation: Le-DASH-A.

That dash ain't silent.

Names of the day...

2008-12-15T14:17:00.002-05:00

LeFreda. Johnell.

Moron of the day: this dipshit.

In this week's travels...

2008-11-30T21:19:00.004-05:00

Went back to my "hometown" this week for Thanksgiving, you know, the other side of DC.

Now, the one thing that this part of town has is the "Sniders Superfoods" grocery store, which is pretty much the most amazing thing in the world because it's yards cheaper than giant or safeway (which are cheaper still than the strange bodega under my last apartment, that sold channukah candles but not toilet paper, despite the fact that it was July). Sniders always has the best sales on cheeses and a solid and proper deli counter. Those of us who were raised on the bagels and smoked fish for breakfast thing can appreciate this.

Please also note that they have "meat that can't be beat."

In other perusals, I was biking to shoppers food warehouse in Alexandria the other day by way of Del Ray (my typical route, it takes longer and you don't have to battle route 1) and I noticed that Del Ray offers a store that is BOTH a comic book shop AND an "exotic planterium."

On yet another note, I made pie:

D'ya suppose he was... compensating?

2008-11-20T13:15:00.001-05:00

apparently hitler only had one ball.

Uh, and they made a song about it.

Names of the week...

2008-11-14T13:10:00.006-05:00

In the interest of my sister's collection of Bad Baby Names, BHAC has decided to start a "Names of the Week" section. It may or may not be updated by the week, but whatever.

Included sections include Inappropriate Use of The Apostrophe, Inappropriate Spellings, Names We Can't Pronounce, and just about anything else that makes us laugh.

This week's are:

L'Aura.

Shabanna.

Spaetzle (Pronounced Spetzel).

More interesting real estate...

2008-11-14T10:14:00.001-05:00

WTF is an Obama-friendly condo?

Norman is an "unnatural creature"

2008-11-12T13:27:00.002-05:00

Poor Norman.

Norman is my garden gnome. He is so not aesthetically unattractive. I maintain that Norman could so totally help the grieving process.

Garden gnomes have been banned from cemeteries by a church diocese because leaders say they are "unnatural creatures".

The gnomes, along with plastic flowers and other decorations such as teddy bears, have been called "inappropriate" and tacky by the Diocese of Bath and Wells.

The church banned the garden figures from Wrington and Congresbury cemeteries in Somerset, and have said they will remove any that they find as part of new guidelines issued by the Chancellor of the Diocese, Worshipful Timothy Briden.

A spokesman for the Diocese of Bath and Wells said: "There is no such thing as a real gnome so why should we have such unnatural creatures in churchyards?"

The spokesman added: "Things such as gnomes and plastic flowers are not permitted because they are aesthetically unattractive and they make it harder to maintain the grounds.

"The historic churchyards are part of Somerset and we want to keep them tidy and safe.

"If people want their loved ones to be buried in one of our churchyards then they have to stick to the rules which are clearly displayed at all churchyards."

The decision to ban the gnomes and statues has been met with criticism from the community however.

Hollie Richards, 24, who has lived in Congresbury all her life and has two grandparents, an uncle and an aunt buried in St Andrew's churchyard in the cemetery, said: "People should be free to put what they want around the gravestones as it is down to personal preference.

"It helps the grieving process as you can surround the grave of the person you love with possessions that were important to them.

Ms Richards added: "I am lucky I live so near as I can take fresh flowers, but what about the people who live far away?

"They will have to leave knowing the flowers will deteriorate and will look unsightly after a few days."

DISCRIMINATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Divinity, served cold with onion and miracle whip

2008-11-10T17:39:00.002-05:00

In searching for a nice, basic pasta recipe that I could make for this evening: something involving maybe some good parmesan cheese, broccoli, spinach, olive oil, garlic, maybe some asparagus or sundried tomatoes or something... I came across one of the reasons that, from a culinary perspective, sometimes America sucks.

I give you MAC RANCH!

1/2 bottle ranch dressing
1/2 container vegetable dip
1/3 cup purchased salad dressing
4 stalks celery, diced
4 hard boiled eggs, peeled
1 box spaghetti noodles, cooked
1/4 cup milk
5 scallions, chopped

Chill noodles and eggs. Chop eggs into noodles. Add mixture of onions and celery. Add ranch dressing and vegetable dip. Add salad dressing and milk then mix.

The author helpfully notes that her favorite salad dressing "is Miracle Whip."

I'd never thought of Miracle Whip as "salad dressing." I'd also never thought of mixing the above ingredients and calling them a meal.

I'm reminded of the casserole made for us last XMAS, with canned asparagus, hard-boiled eggs, canned peas, cream of mushroom soup, and crackers.

If you haven't seen it before, check out The Amazing Mackerel Pudding Plan. It's snappy and it makes me die a little inside every time I read it.

Adventures In Real Estate, 14910, in which Sarah looks for a house on the hill...

2008-11-09T22:47:00.004-05:00

Mom and I were scanning the sales ads again, I'd been thinking that if I never find somewhere in Old Town (that doesn't like, lean sideways, or like, still have recently-released inmates living there because it is presently an unregulated halfway house with a dilapidated pink kitchen, I'd look on the Hill, because it's a beautiful part of town and one of the few that really feels like an old city neighborhood, not as beigey-concrete and pricey as dupont or as trashed as Columbia Heights. Transitional. Sorry. The real estate term for trashed is TRANSITIONAL. Or "authentic." Or "charming."

So we're looking at this one place that which is really beautiful on the outside, it's a nice yellow rowhouse with beautiful detailing not found in most recently-built homes, and I called the realtor about it. Apparently it needed like, some rehab, but it's right behind that nice strip of bars and good restaurants on Pennsylvania Avenue and everyone has a different definition of "some rehab."

I asked the realtor what that meant and he said "Oh, you'd have to do some renovations."
Me: "Does it uh, need to be gutted?"
Realtor: "Well, that would depend on your definion of 'gutted.' I suppose I'd leave the floors."

In our perusing, we come across this one in NE a few blocks from the Capitol, which IS renovated (ish. It turned out the renovations were pretty but badly done, so it's not exactly unlikely that they would fall out). It's in a gorgeous spot on the Hill, close to everything, all victorian rowhomes and cute restaurants with folks out and about raking leaves and whatnot. We meet the listing-agent-et-douchebag, who was, unfortunately, your typical Stuff-White-People-Like type, the gentrified urbanist, in soulful tweed jacket, who is positively convinced that those of us who live in Northern Virginia are dying a slow death from boredom and makes a point to tell us how he really feels.

Mind you, directly outside the house is about four cop cars, a bunch of guys in SWAT gear, and a helicopter flying overhead, circling.

My mother just looks at me and goes "Sarah? THERE IS A SWAT TEAM OUTSIDE THIS HOUSE."

I think I just smiled and merely said "Well, at least there IS a police presence and they haven't just given up on it."

I suppose we'll keep looking.

"A Sparkly Herd of Men"

2008-10-29T13:10:00.002-04:00

This happened last night a couple blocks away from where I live. Yep, it's the gay-borhood, and it's FABULOUS.

"Disorderly" conduct

2008-10-01T11:31:00.002-04:00

http://www.wlwt.com/cnn-news/17589970/detail.html

BEST. MUGSHOT. EVER.

Christianity goes to the dogs...

2008-10-01T11:21:00.002-04:00

(and no, this is not another post about His Lordship Seashell Jesus)

I think I'm with the catholics...

Sarah Palin Babynamer

2008-09-17T13:50:00.004-04:00

http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html

I'm "Grill Igloo Palin."

Polar Bear Update

2008-09-17T13:50:00.002-04:00

http://dcist.com/2008/09/17/greenpeace_takes_responsibility_for.php

Greenpeace and some street artist have taken responsiblity for the polar bears, apparently their "plight" is similar to the homeless... or something... anyway, the man makes SCULPTURES OUT OF TAPE.

BHAC reminds you that people who make sculptures out of tape are the precise reason that some of us left art school. Because someone's senior thesis was to run a roll of tape around the building. And also, someone else's senior thesis was to arrange hundreds of little toy bunnies in a circle.

Oh, DC. You're so efficient.

2008-09-16T22:46:00.004-04:00

So, I got protested on my way into work tonight. Quite literally, got the glare face on my way into a govt-type conference cocktail party by a woman holding a sign and wearing ugly shoes.

However, DC called in the friggin BOMB SQUAD due to an extremely suspicious stuffed polar bear outside the Columbia Heights Metro.

http://www.nbc4.com/news/17484808/detail.html

And shut down the metro. And the street.

Please go to the NBC site for a photo of the bomb squad approaching the polar bear. Just when I thought today couldn't get ANY stranger.

http://www.nbc4.com/slideshow/news/17485520/detail.html

Rude man

2008-09-16T22:45:00.001-04:00

Actual headline "Giant Penis Man is Disappearing."

And we shall call it... Washington. But not to its face.

2008-09-09T10:28:00.005-04:00

On this day in the year 1791, our nation's capital (a.k.a. the place where we live) was named. Not a particularly original name, but better than Zuma Nesta Rock, I suppose. Here's what Wikipedia has to say about the occasion:

"A Southern site for the new country's capital was agreed upon at a dinner between James Madison and Alexander Hamilton, hosted by Thomas Jefferson.

The initial city plan was a diamond, measuring ten miles on each side, totaling 100 square miles (260 square kilometers). The actual site on the Potomac River was chosen by President Washington. Washington may have chosen the site for its natural scenery, believing the Potomac would become a great navigable waterway.

The city was officially named "Washington" on September 9, 1791.

Out of modesty, George Washington never referred to it as such, preferring to call it "the Federal City". Despite choosing the site and living nearby at Mount Vernon, he rarely visited."

"A battle of apathetic grandeur"

2008-08-28T08:53:00.004-04:00

Otherwise known as the Hipster Olympics.

Dry toast makes me ANGRY.

2008-08-26T09:30:00.003-04:00

Man pulls knife at church for butter
The Associated Press
August 26, 2008

OCALA, Fla. - Authorities say an Ocala man pulled a knife on members of a church congregation who would not give him butter from their morning buffet.

When 48-year-old Frankie Lewis couldn't get any butter on Sunday from the buffet line, police say he pulled his knife on members and threatened to cut them.
Police say Lewis eventually went to put the knife away, but that's when a church member hit him with a wooden board. Lewis then rode away on a bicycle, but police quickly caught him.
Lewis was arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. He was being held on $2,000 bail.
___
Information from: Ocala Star-Banner, http://www.starbanner.com/

An homage to my Mr. Coffee...

2008-08-25T22:57:00.004-04:00

After 6 years, I finally murdered my coffeemaker.

The Mr. Coffee was the Ol' Reliable of coffeemakers. It was the first appliance that I bought when I moved out of my parents house at age 17. It was white, plastic, with absolutely no features than it could simply make coffee. It wasn't attractive, it wasn't special, it certainly wasn't fancy, but it was functional, and so, like the ugly white plastic microwave, it still hadn't been replaced by something more elegant (uh, as coffee makers go). Besides, since my house, lovely as it is, has fake brick linoleum floors in the kitchen, there's really a limit to what you can do to "upgrade."

It was a constant in my life. 6 years, 4 moves, college, a few jobs, a lot of different haircuts (some really bitchin, some total MISTAKES), some really unique roommates, houseguests, pets (Little Bitch the Hampster, anyone?), meals cooked, drinks mixed, 3 couches, a thouand pairs of really great shoes, relationships, some good, some I would rather forget, laughter, tears, and more slow mornings than I care to admit, it came to a crashing mess in my sink.

Now, my kitchen countertop sports a fancy West Bend espresso maker. It makes coffee AND espresso. It is black. It is shiny. It has features. It makes the rest of the kitchen look shabby. It kind of intimidates me.

Hopefully, it will make a good cup of coffee.

So, raise your glasses, childen, and toast the end of an era. Or something.

BHAC Margie Edition II: Margie's Thoughts on Death (and Elvis)

2008-08-25T20:33:00.001-04:00

Not on the dying part, except perhaps the all so important having your wishes clearly known, but on what happens after the spirit has left the body, the plug is pulled, whatever.

I went to the funeral yesterday of the man who hired me for my current job 20 years ago. He had been diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma about 40 years ago and given 6 months to live. He beat it then but it reappeared in his lungs about a year ago and he fought hard but this time it got him.

The funeral service was held in a "chapel" room at the funeral home on site at the "memorial gardens" where he will be buried.

A lousy way to see people you haven't kept in touch with over the years, his service was well attended. There was a "program" printed for us to follow the order of the service which listed the minister and friends/family who would speak. A friend read from a treasured card he'd given to his wife several years ago, etc.

Mid way through the service, a soloist was listed on the card. Not unusual, right?

Well, you surely know that if I'm telling you about it, it was different.

http://www.michaelhoover.com/index.php

Michael Hoover, Elvis Impersonater! Not young Elvis, either. Vegas Elvis. He sang the Lord's Prayer and another song.

I did not know that this was intentional. I'm kind of glad now that it was, as my boss had a pretty good sense of humor but, at the time, I was all BGAK! and just barely managed to keep from blurting out ELVIS IS IN THE BUILDING!

Added to my discomfort was the fact that I was seated next to the President of our company.

This got me thinking on burial vs cremation, funerals (which I thought were more solemn) vs memorial services.

My godfather recently passed away and expressed his wish to donate his body to science. (There was a little bit of a problem since he died on a Saturday morning in his home and wasn't discovered until sometime on Sunday and whether science would still want him but that got sorted out). There will be a memorial service for him later this month, one that will be much more funeral esque and at the Catholic Church he attended the last 50 years or so.

No surprise entertainment at that one but there will be food afterwards.

I personally wish to be cremated (after I'm dead Alex, thank you very much!) and hope that someone will throw a party. I'll leave the food ready in the freezer.

Somewhere I heard that you still have to buy a coffin even to be cremated. I was speaking to a co-worker this morning about that and yesterdays funeral. He said he'd heard that the Netherlands have crematoriums hooked into their power grid.

BZZZZT!! and the lights are brighter for a split second.

There goes Grandma!

Oh, and yes, I did pack a cooler for the trip last night. Another co-worker rode down to the service with me. He pulled in to the parking lot and found a space in the shade of a large tree. I reached into the back of the car and he asked "What are you doing?"

"I brought bottled water, pepsi, strawberries, Ritz crackers and jalapeno pimento cheese"

He looked at me kind of funny.

We snacked on our way back home afterwards.

Balloon Jesui

2008-08-23T12:14:00.001-04:00

http://www.apostropher.com/blog/archives/004237.html

This is TALENT.

Desperate much?

2008-08-08T09:51:00.003-04:00

THIS is probably one bad date that Xing will never forget.

Check out the size of the holes!

OTIS!!!!!!!! (BHAC Margie Edition)

2008-08-05T12:20:00.000-04:00

Otie Goat was a nuisance, a very cute, useless nuisance.

My friend, Doreen, and I went with Mr. Jarvis to the Nokesville livestock auction as he wished to purchase a steer with the intention of taking said purchase straight to the slaughter house as he couldn't bear the thought of eating any of the cows he had raised from calves at his farm. At the livestock sale, there are many people assembled in the parking lot a la "flea market" with assorted goods and creatures for sale. Doreen and I wandered around looking at all the offerings until I spotted one old man with goats for sale.

Otis was a cute goat. About as big as Matlock, maybe a little taller, with a dark brown coat flecked with fawn, white ankles and huge gray ears. He was very inquisitive, as goats are, and I got a bit caught up in petting him.The man selling the goats spotted me as a sucker and said he'd sell him for $10. I said No, no goat and he said "He's neutered, dehorned, has all his shots and he's been wormed." Somehow, that sounded like too good a deal to pass up and I forked over the $10 and Doreen and I stuck the goat in the front section of Mr. Jarvis' gooseneck stock trailer.

Back inside the auction, bidding had begun on a very large white bull. Mr. Jarvis bid actively until he acquired the animal. Quite satisfied with himself, he prepared to leave as a very large farm type guy in overalls came up to us.
"You the feller who bought that there bull?" he asked.
Mr. Jarvis allowed as to how he was the purchaser, yes, he was.
"What you going to do with old Tiny?"
Slaughter him.
"We was kind of afraid that'd happen to Tiny. He shore is a good bull. :-(" Only reason he's here is the owner is coming around to an all purebred operation and old Tiny here had to go. Yup, shore is a good bull"
Mr. Jarvis felt all his best intentions swallowing him up.
Being of stern stuff, he hiked up his belt in the way that men with large belt buckles and bolero string ties are inclined to do and he turned to go pay for his cow and get him loaded on the trailer. Mr. Jarvis was less than pleased to find a goat in his trailer but was quite taken aback by the thought of poor Tiny's forthcoming demise, so all he said was "He's not coming to my barn" about the goat.

For a few weeks, Otis lived behind the efficiency cottage that Ken (boyfriend #1) and I rented. Otis was on a chain tied to a tree, like a hound dog but there were no cars up on blocks. Feeling sorry for Otis, since he was so cute, and convincing my friend, Sharon, that her new property was in desperate need of a goat's wonderful brush clearing abilities, I convinced Sharon that Otis should live at her house out in Marshall.

Now, Sharon and her husband, Bobby, had dogs. Big black dogs. Bobby was known to our own Grizzles dog and my son, John, as "Big Dog Bob." Sharon and Bob's fawn great dane bitch, Baby, (I know), got knocked up by some other big dog and the resulting litter of three ended up with one surviving pup, Brutus. Sharon decided that Brutus would be a lonely puppy without another black puppy to play with so Bruno was acquired. Bruno looked like a flat coated retriever, except he wasn't and he happily joined the fun at Sharon & Bob's house.

When Otis came to live with them, the dogs thought they had died and gone to heaven, as Otis joined right in with the dog play. Round and round the yard they raced! Into the Water Tub! Out of the water tub, into the water tub, etc, went the two pups and Otis.

This amused Sharon until she had to clean all the mud out of the water tub several times a day. When they tired of that game, they played a great game called "greet the visitors", barking madly and racing down the driveway everytime someone came over to visit. The dogs and goat would run straight at the car, with the two pups splitting off on either side to bounce and bark at the car doors while Otis leaped on to the car's hood! Fun! Fun! Fun!

This usually caused the person driving to stop the car but they couldn't roll their windows down to yell because the dogs were RIGHT THERE! Otis would then leap from the hood to the roof to the trunk and back again. This was all accomplished with great amounts of noise. Dogs barking, Otis BAAAAAAAAAing. Sometimes people didn't come back.

Other times, people in the know would call before coming over, a situation that Sharon rather appreciated but it did get annoying after a while. The beginning of the end of Sharon's patience was the day that she was out in the sheet metal clad barn, caring for the horses.

Sharon had a head cold, or a hang over, or just plain lack of sleep but, when Otis ran up the set of stairs outside the barn and up onto the metal roof and began to run back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth, Sharon snapped. Up the stairs she ran, brandishing a broom and screaming "I'm going to KILL THE GOAT"

Much to her dismay, Otis took one look at her coming and leapt right off the roof!

Sharon crept to the edge and peered down at the giant boulders two stories below. No crushed goat body! She turned around, ready to cry and apologizing for being so mean to Otis, when she saw him coming back up the stairs all ready to do it again!

After that, Otis got tied to a tree by the dog collar he wore around his neck.

Previous little Otis episodes had included him standing on the back porch railing, walking his front hooves out along the kitchen window sill and looking in while Sharon's sister in law was doing the dishes. She looked up and there was a goat in the window "BAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

She dropped the dishes.

Right around that time, we girls had been in the living room, having a nice chat, when Otis (outside on the front lawn) decided to join us and ran straight at the house and leaped up SMACK BASH into the sliding glass door which he apparently didn't know was there (or closed).

With Otis tied up, Sharon rather thought that things would calm down but Otis was at work. He would go round and round (and through) the tree until he was hanging by his neck with his feet barely touching the ground. Sharon would hurry out to free him. Soon she noticed that he did it as soon as she walked away.

Sharon decided she'd be better off if she didn't have to SEE Otis hang himself so she tied him up closer to the road, down at the end of the driveway.

She told me over the telephone that she could hear cars slow down and stop to help Otis. His loud bleating BAAA BAAA BAAA would get quieter as the people approached. She said you could tell when they attempted to leave as his voice would get louder.
Come Baaaaaack
Come Baaaaaack!
COME BAAAAAAACK
COME BAAAAAACK YOU BAAAAAAASTAARDS

Not long after that, Sharon gave Otis to her brother in law, who took him to live in their large, fenced yard in Manassas Park with his bunch of dogs. The last we heard of Otis was that her BIL had to go to the Animal Shelter to bail out the dogs and Otis.

do WHAT?

2008-07-31T10:08:00.005-04:00

Some astounding logos we've found 'round the interwebs today.

Won't somebody think of the children?

This is a logo for a pharmacy.

....and jazzboobs!

My kids are totally going to daycare at the kidsexchange.

Wow. I don't have any words for that.

whoa!

2008-07-30T09:35:00.001-04:00

NESS CITY, Kan. - A man whose girlfriend sat on a toilet for so long that the seat adhered to her body will spend six months on probation.

Kory McFarren pleaded no contest last month to a misdemeanor count of mistreatment of a dependent adult. A judge sentenced him Tuesday to six months in jail but granted the probation after the victim, Pam Babcock, asked for leniency.

"She didn't believe that her circumstances were his fault," Ness County Attorney Craig Crosswhite said.

Babcock's plight became known in February when McFarren called the Ness County sheriff, expressing concern about his live-in girlfriend. When authorities arrived, they found Babcock physically stuck to the toilet.

McFarren told police Babcock had refused to come out of the bathroom for two years. Medical personnel estimated she'd been sitting on the toilet for at least a month and said the seat had adhered to sores on her body.

She is now under the protection of a guardian who was appointed through the legal department at the hospital where she received treatment.

Also Tuesday, McFarren was sentenced to six months in jail for an unrelated charge of lewd and lascivious behavior for exposing himself to a teenage neighbor in March.

HOTTEST.MAN.EVER.

2008-07-21T10:46:00.000-04:00

http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/2008/07/weasel-woke-up-to-beautiful-saturday.html

OH YEAH.

Just.. Orlando. (with jesus sighting)

2008-07-21T10:25:00.006-04:00

I went to Orlando for work this week. I now totally and completely understand why people laugh at Florida.

The Orlando airport is the only airport I've ever been in where people seem to think that SHOES are totally optional.

I witnessed a man using a Ford Explorer to tow another car. Unfortunately, he had it hooked to the bumper with a piece of twine/rope. No hitch, and nothing to make the smaller car stop. The good news is that people like that will get killed. The bad news is that they'll probably take someone else out on the way.

I counted 7 pinky rings and diamond rings, both on men, in a half an hour.

A 8 year old child in the hot tub at 11 p.m. was eloquently pontificating his viewpoint on Barack Obama, who he kept referring to as "BO." The viewpoint was based entirely on things he's heard while listening to the Rush Limbaugh show.

I found a tank top with skulls all over it and "ORLANDO!" written across the boobs in script.

Best of all?

I found Seashell Jesus in a tourist shop. MULTIPLES. Sadly, these Jesui did not light up, however, they came in different sizes and had a little stick on thingie that said "FLORIDA." Jesus was glow-in-the-dark.

http://www.orlandofloridasucks.com/

UPDATE! - Gods Grotto By The Sea

2008-07-15T09:12:00.002-04:00

Seashell Jesus was procured Saturday morning from the clutches of the aging pageant queen to the tune of $15, and worth every penny.

He is now an interstate traveller, attending a wedding in West By God Virginia and then road-tripping up to Coatesville, Pennsylvania. He is currently awaiting pickup at a farm in Fairfax Station, Virginia, where we will take more pictures and then foist him on my sister as a housewarming gift.

Jesus H Christ on a... seashell?

2008-07-11T16:11:00.003-04:00

Margie and I went to the world's most amazing yard sale yesterday. Hosted by an aging pageant queen named Dora Lee or something to that effect who was very much a few fruit loops short of a full box, we rifled through boxes upon boxes of things until we found... God's Grotto By The Sea, aka, Seashell Jesus. It lights up. Apparently it was made in Italy and therefore it is considered "valuable" and I'm quite regretting not purchasing it as a housewarming gift for my dear sister.

"The chuppah is closer than you think!"

2008-07-11T14:39:00.011-04:00

Are you Jewish, and want to get married? Perhaps this might pique your interest. I think it's like The Rules for Jews.

Oh yes, and there are games:

"The Discovery Wheel is a simpler, more direct communication tool that singles can play on dates to ask each other specific questions about their lives and dreams."

(PS anyone ever hear of having a conversation?)

And speaking of The Rules, those chicks have recorded a RAP SONG. Hey, "Just do the Rules." It's "inspirational," according to their website. Hmm.

On a slightly related note, we can all rest assured knowing that these men will never get laid, no matter how good they think their game is.

(posted by Katie)

This blog would not be complete...

2008-07-11T11:10:00.004-04:00

without the Phyllis Diller chickens.

Every year, our friend Margie goes to the Pennsylvania Farm Show for homemade donuts and to stare at all the krazy people that live on farms in Pennsylvania. She swore up one side and down the other that they had chickens that look like Phyllis Diller, so this year I decided to make the trek to Harrisburg and see for myself.

Indeed they do.

invtnv splng

2008-07-08T13:58:00.003-04:00

I heard on the radio this morning that more schools are allowing the practice of "inventive spelling," which allows children to spell incorrectly as a reflection of their development as a speller. It does not deem the child's spelling "incorrect," as that would be damaging to the child's self-esteem.

I'm constantly hearing grown ups bitch that their young new hires can't write a sentence, can't spell, and are somewhat illiterate despite their degrees. Heck, *I* bitch about that all the time and in my day, we didn't walk uphill both ways in the snow, barefoot, just to get some good old fashioned book learning. However, we did learn to spell. And I do not feel that my "development" as a writer or a person was hampered by it, in fact, I am grateful that I was taught properly. And I went to Liberal Land for school, if there was ANY evidence that this truly helped our self-esteem, believe me, they would've done it. We had Diversity Awareness Week, for goodness sake, where we devoted time to figuring out that we were mostly white but that Different is Good.

"constructivists are likely to believe that the child is inventing spellings in accord with his or her understanding of language and print," claims Wikipedia. I'm pretty sure this means that NO ADULT READS TO THEM therefore they have NO understanding of language or print. Then again, they also claim that "constructivists" also feel that "because knowledge is cultural, there are no right answers."

Let me get this straight: it is acceptable to allow a child to misspell because you may hamper their development as a speller and harm their self-esteem if you insist that they do it correctly, however, you're complaining because now your workforce can't write and calls mommy every time someone corrects them?

I'm not having children. Not if this is what they have to contend with. On the plus side, I now totally understand all those resumes I'd previously just been throwing out and writing off as "too stupid to work here."

In Memoriam...

2008-07-08T09:32:00.004-04:00

Jesse Helms, 1921-2008.

I don't think there's a more fitting tribute than watching the Gay Men's Chorus sing "On The Street Where You Live" outside his house. Or "What The World Needs Now (is Love, Sweet Love)" outside his office.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd62dptmpBk

Totally newsworthy!!!

2008-07-03T16:43:00.001-04:00

The pregnant man has given birth.

Excellent Laws

2008-07-03T14:30:00.002-04:00

http://hamptonroads.com/2008/07/its-law-it-will-make-you-laugh
http://www.professorcornbread.com/humor/jokes/bizarre.php

It is illegal to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

It is illegal to carry a concealed ice-cream cone. (TEXAS!)

One may have sexual relations with a porcupine. (How does this even work?!)

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines. (uh, we AGREE!)

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts. (Hawt)

Oooooh, ahhhhh...

2008-07-02T15:23:00.010-04:00

How could we call ourselves a D.C. blog without offering fireworks on the Fourth of July? As we will not actually be blogging this Fourth, thanks to the joy of federal holidays, we invite you to amuse yourself in advance by creating your very own "firework display" at http://www.pbs.org/capitolfourth/fireworks.html.

The folks at PBS promise it's "just like the exciting display that lights up the sky in Washington, D.C."

Yeah.

(Posted by Katie)

dreams...

2008-07-01T12:18:00.002-04:00

Last night I had a dream where the landlord died and the house went up for auction immediately (it also turned from reasonably tidy to an absolute mess overnight, and someone had stolen the dining room table to sing songs around, piano bar style). The neighborhood biddies were using it as a gathering place to mourn Mrs. Landlord and they kept requesting Smirnoff Ice. I was flipping out because a proper virginia hostess should always have the right food on hand, but like, no one I know drinks smirnoff ice, so I had to send someone to the store for smirnoff. I kept trying to ply them with fizzy peach wine but that only kind of worked.

more from Texas...

2008-07-01T08:42:00.002-04:00

Zweigel's premium "Texas Brand" hot dogs... from Rochester, New York.

Is that kind of like how Texas Pete Hot Sauce is "a North Carolina original"?

Did anyone else know...

2008-06-30T12:15:00.002-04:00

... that the Texas state motto is "Friendship"?

I once had a bathroom that was painted "Friendship." Apparently it is a pale peach.

(btw, the Smithsonian Folklife Festival is this weekend. They are featuring NASA, Bhutan, and Texas).

Unexplained phenomenon

2008-06-30T08:56:00.004-04:00

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

Girls, let this be a lesson in teetotalism.

(posted by Katie)

"The bride's motive for abandoning her husband was not immediately clear."

2008-06-24T10:40:00.003-04:00

http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/0,1518,561503,00.html

I'd say it's perfectly clear...

Wedgie saves man's life

2008-06-24T10:20:00.001-04:00

A window cleaner in Australia survives a nine-story fall (the downside is that he had the sensation of being nearly twain in two by his harness) - read more at http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,23913749-952,00.html.

(posted by Katie)

Obama's (tartan) lover

2008-06-20T10:22:00.004-04:00

http://www.smh.com.au/news/us-election/i-had-sex-with-obama/2008/06/19/1213770824274.html?feed=RSS

Obama's alleged "gay lover" books a room at the Press Club to hold a press conference regarding them doing drugs and having sex. Oh, and his attorney is Montgomery Blair Sibley, aka DC Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey's attorney, and he is wearing a kilt.

"I don't mean to be impudent," said one reporter, "but why are you wearing a kilt?"

Sibley explained: "It has to do with genitalia. If you are on the smaller side, then pants are not uncomfortable."

Quote of the ages...

2008-06-19T16:03:00.002-04:00

"I am not familiar with hispanic designers."

(after being questioned as to why she didn't know who Jerry Garcia was).

WOW

2008-06-18T17:10:00.001-04:00

A Los Angeles woman claims she was injured by her Victoria's Secret thong, prompting her to sue the underwear manufacturer.
The plaintiff in the case, Macrida Patterson, 52, attributed the May 2007 injury to a Victoria's Secret "low-rise v-string," according to a court document posted on The Smoking Gun.
Patterson's lawyer told The Smoking Gun that a "design problem" caused a decorative metallic piece on the underwear to fly up and hit Patterson in the eye while she was putting the underwear on.
Patterson's product liability lawsuit was filed in Los Angeles Superior Court last week.
The Smoking Gun reported that, prior to the lawsuit, officials from Victoria's Secret had asked to see the offending underwear but were refused by Patterson's lawyer.

Adventures in Real Estate...

2008-06-18T09:10:00.001-04:00

Is it considered a one or two bedroom house if it's got one bedroom, and a shack/shed in the yard with a small toilet in the corner?

Peculiar houses of the day...

2008-06-16T16:43:00.001-04:00

I'm pretty sure that this was, at some point, a very simple, sweet little white farmhouse. Sort of like most every other farmhouse 'round those parts. So, wtf is this porch addition? Is that supposed to be a bay window? Who thought this was a good idea?

I guess it's fancy... 'least it's fancy for down round those parts of Virginnie.

Best dog toy EVER

2008-06-12T17:47:00.001-04:00

"The Ex."

It even has a little spot for you to write his name on the back.

CNN Headline

2008-06-12T11:22:00.003-04:00

"Mud-fearing pig wears wee little boots."

Now with photo!!!!

Extreme Wedding Planning

2008-06-10T12:51:00.001-04:00

From Newsweek.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/140148/output/print

Bridesmaid Pre-Nuptial Agreement. Yes, you read that right. If having to squeeze into a puffy, unflattering horror of a dress wasn't bad enough, now bridesmaids have another indignity to contend with. Some brides are so worried about the way their wedding party will look, they have a lawyer draw up a pre-nup that can include things like requiring that a bridesmaid not gain more than 7 pounds before the wedding, not consume too much alcohol at the reception, vow to take extra care of her skin and hair, and not to make any inappropriate advances toward male guests at the reception. [For a peek at a sample agreement, go to the American Bar Association Website).
Although brides who've used pre-nups were reluctant to go on the record for this story, several of them explained that the agreements were necessary to ensure that their day was perfect.
"People can have a contract for just about anything that's not illegal," says Randy Kessler, who teaches family law at John Marshall Law School in Atlanta. "This sort of document simply states that if the woman keeps the requests of the contract, she will be a bridesmaid. If not, she won't. It's not the craziest contract idea I've seen or heard of."
If worded correctly and signed by both members, the contract, which can cost anywhere from $5,000 to $10,000 to draw up, could be used in court. For example, Kessler says, if a woman flew all the way to Hawaii for a wedding and didn't end up being a bridesmaid because of a breach in her contract, and then she tried to sue the bride for the expenses of her flying to Hawaii, the contract could be used in court as proof that the bride had the right to take away the privilege of being a bridesmaid.
But Kessler cautions overzealous Bridezillas: "A wedding should be a happy time. And to be honest, getting lawyers involved always puts a damper on things."

Only in Russia...

2008-06-09T16:50:00.003-04:00

Those crazy Ruskies. http://sneezl.com/only-in-russia/?russian

Linens, gifts, and...children?

2008-06-09T16:45:00.001-04:00

Does anyone else find this just a little bit strange?

Great Website of the Day

2008-06-09T13:44:00.002-04:00

http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/

DCPDWTF?

2008-06-04T16:56:00.002-04:00

The DC Police Department has authorized "Neighborhood Safety Zones" to keep the criminal drivers out of the Trinidad neighborhood. For um... 10 days. To "combat crime." Drivers only, this doesn't apply to pedestrians. Isn't this a wee bit unconstitutional?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/06/04/AR2008060402205.html?hpid=topnews

To quote someone from some other commentary by someone funnier than me on some other news article:

"Well, Officer, my purpose in coming into the neighborhood was to shoot my ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend... but I guess I'll just go home and watch 'American Gladiator' now."

It's easier than you think

2008-06-04T09:27:00.003-04:00

We will never forget driving to the Orlando, Florida airport and seeing this billboard.

"It's easier than you think."

website of the day...

2008-06-03T14:20:00.002-04:00

http://www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/

I always sort of agreed with family guy when they said she looks like a foot. Nevertheless, we're still totally going to go see the Sex And The City movie tomorrow.

YOU be the judge.

really...

2008-06-03T10:55:00.002-04:00

everyone needs a spirit dwarf.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23803183-2,00.html

Paté

2008-06-03T10:40:00.003-04:00

WTF?

Reduced for quick sale. "Herb." It's German. Apparently it also comes in "mushroom" and "garlic."

It's um... shiny.

And it smells like catfood.

Also, open faced radish sammiches are apparently "fast, fresh, and easy."