In which we "make pasta..."

Upon being recently gifted with an All-Amazing-Superfabulously-Hawt-KitchenAid Mixer, my first thought was somehow that I could totally make pasta. Can't be that hard, I thought, it's just dough... I can make dough... and homemade pasta would be so... homey! interesting! so very... from scratch. Because I'm cool and good at making things from scratch. Perhaps I could even come off as looking talented.

Naturally, I'm not THAT good and for some reason, despite the fact that I bake my own bread on a regular basis and cook all the time, I don't own a rolling pin and am more prone to using large cans of the dog's green beans or whatever is in my cabinet when I'm trying to roll something out. So I tried to find the Kitchenaid Pasta attachment.

I googled and found little plates that you can attach to your meat grinder, which came complete with reviews like "caused kitchenaid motor to smoke like crazy" and the ilk and then, found reviews for the Kitchenaid Pasta Maker... which cost nearly as much as the mixer. Bah! I'm not spending hundreds of dollars on a pasta maker, sez I.

So dad and I impulsively went E-Bay shopping and the first thing that popped up was the Atlas Regina, circa the early 90s and made of plastic. We totally missed the all the other pasta makers on ebay, because the Atlas Regina promised to make SHAPES! SHAPES! None of the other pasta makers made SHAPES!

Drawn by the promises of homemade fusili, we ponied up for the Atlas Regina:



In all of it's completely weird-ass glory.

and then Brother Ari came over for an evening of pasta making.

First the All-Amazing-Superfabulous-Hawt KitchenAid mixer churned up Dough Batch One...



and Brother Ari kneaded the dough...



We have dough...



We have no idea what dough is supposed to look like... but it weighs a TON!



OMG! LITTLE BITTY PASTAS!!!



It's called an "extruder."



See them extrude?



Like... um, fuck, worms. Flour dusted worms. Unfortunately, they were too dense to really DO much with... Ari and I ate a few of them and they were reasonably pasta-like, just... very very dense. And very very sticky. Which is why we floured them.




WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

We will try again through a proper pasta roller. Meanwhile, does anyone want a Atlas Regina?

Locally Grown Mexican Mangos

In which our local grocery store attempts to capitalize on the expanding "local food" movement, in support of small farmers and communities nearby.



Except freakin MANGOS don't grow in Virginia.

Come on, safeway, WTF? Product of Mexico? Mexico isn't local to Virginia either.



I also spotted some local plums (product of California).

More from our neighbors to the north...

http://www.vancouversun.com/Life/Yarn+bombers+take+Vancouver+streets/1342756/story.html

I'm sure I'm going to get some major hate mail from artistes for this one... but YARN BOMBING?!?!?!?!? These so-called "activists" are "bombing" the inner city with doorknob koozies. "Guerrilla knitters!?!?” In surreptitious UNIFORM (one admits to knitting herself a pink balaclava guerilla suit)?

"Knitting tags is almost all i do now," said one person on "www.yarnbombing.com."

Seriously, the rest of us only wish we had so much free time.

The world will burst forth with warm fuzzy yarns of every breed and color, every heart will soften as it connects looping love across the planet stitch by stitch till there is no separation in our smiles.

Maybe I'm just from DC, and we're too damn practical. But I did go to art school, and I can say damn well that anyone who rambles about "looping love across the planet" really, really needs to step out more. I daresay there are a lot of folks and animals out there that could benefit from some warm knitted clothing, you know, instead of a lightpost that's been "tagged." Once upon a time, activism had a pratical purpose beyond "looping love."

Ohhh. CNN.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/01/16/mom.son.dead.pet/index.html


REALLY?


Names of the Week: Turqwaz. Gi'Norria.

The Nation Prepares...

... of the day...

CNN Headlines at this present time:



"Legendary band has 'unfinished music'"

"Harrison Ford's chest hair waxed, ripped off" (WITH VIDEO!)

"What will apple debut at Macworld swan song?"

"Obama reviewed cobbler on TV in '01"

"Artist tests Facebook 'nipple rule'"



This is the news.



Name of the day: Le-a.

Pronounciation: Le-DASH-A.

That dash ain't silent.

Names of the week...

In the interest of my sister's collection of Bad Baby Names, BHAC has decided to start a "Names of the Week" section. It may or may not be updated by the week, but whatever.

Included sections include Inappropriate Use of The Apostrophe, Inappropriate Spellings, Names We Can't Pronounce, and just about anything else that makes us laugh.

This week's are:

L'Aura.

Shabanna.

Spaetzle (Pronounced Spetzel).

Divinity, served cold with onion and miracle whip

In searching for a nice, basic pasta recipe that I could make for this evening: something involving maybe some good parmesan cheese, broccoli, spinach, olive oil, garlic, maybe some asparagus or sundried tomatoes or something... I came across one of the reasons that, from a culinary perspective, sometimes America sucks.

I give you MAC RANCH!

1/2 bottle ranch dressing
1/2 container vegetable dip
1/3 cup purchased salad dressing
4 stalks celery, diced
4 hard boiled eggs, peeled
1 box spaghetti noodles, cooked
1/4 cup milk
5 scallions, chopped

Chill noodles and eggs. Chop eggs into noodles. Add mixture of onions and celery. Add ranch dressing and vegetable dip. Add salad dressing and milk then mix.

The author helpfully notes that her favorite salad dressing "is Miracle Whip."

I'd never thought of Miracle Whip as "salad dressing." I'd also never thought of mixing the above ingredients and calling them a meal.

I'm reminded of the casserole made for us last XMAS, with canned asparagus, hard-boiled eggs, canned peas, cream of mushroom soup, and crackers.

If you haven't seen it before, check out The Amazing Mackerel Pudding Plan. It's snappy and it makes me die a little inside every time I read it.

"Disorderly" conduct

http://www.wlwt.com/cnn-news/17589970/detail.html



BEST. MUGSHOT. EVER.

Christianity goes to the dogs...

(and no, this is not another post about His Lordship Seashell Jesus)






















I think I'm with the catholics...

Oh, DC. You're so efficient.

So, I got protested on my way into work tonight. Quite literally, got the glare face on my way into a govt-type conference cocktail party by a woman holding a sign and wearing ugly shoes.

However, DC called in the friggin BOMB SQUAD due to an extremely suspicious stuffed polar bear outside the Columbia Heights Metro.

http://www.nbc4.com/news/17484808/detail.html

And shut down the metro. And the street.

Please go to the NBC site for a photo of the bomb squad approaching the polar bear. Just when I thought today couldn't get ANY stranger.

http://www.nbc4.com/slideshow/news/17485520/detail.html

"The chuppah is closer than you think!"

Are you Jewish, and want to get married? Perhaps this might pique your interest. I think it's like The Rules for Jews.

Oh yes, and there are games:

"The Discovery Wheel is a simpler, more direct communication tool that singles can play on dates to ask each other specific questions about their lives and dreams."

(PS anyone ever hear of having a conversation?)

And speaking of The Rules, those chicks have recorded a RAP SONG. Hey, "Just do the Rules." It's "inspirational," according to their website. Hmm.

On a slightly related note, we can all rest assured knowing that these men will never get laid, no matter how good they think their game is.

(posted by Katie)

dreams...

Last night I had a dream where the landlord died and the house went up for auction immediately (it also turned from reasonably tidy to an absolute mess overnight, and someone had stolen the dining room table to sing songs around, piano bar style). The neighborhood biddies were using it as a gathering place to mourn Mrs. Landlord and they kept requesting Smirnoff Ice. I was flipping out because a proper virginia hostess should always have the right food on hand, but like, no one I know drinks smirnoff ice, so I had to send someone to the store for smirnoff. I kept trying to ply them with fizzy peach wine but that only kind of worked.

Unexplained phenomenon

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Adventures in Real Estate...

Is it considered a one or two bedroom house if it's got one bedroom, and a shack/shed in the yard with a small toilet in the corner?

Peculiar houses of the day...

I'm pretty sure that this was, at some point, a very simple, sweet little white farmhouse. Sort of like most every other farmhouse 'round those parts. So, wtf is this porch addition? Is that supposed to be a bay window? Who thought this was a good idea?

I guess it's fancy... 'least it's fancy for down round those parts of Virginnie.

Linens, gifts, and...children?

Does anyone else find this just a little bit strange?

DCPDWTF?

The DC Police Department has authorized "Neighborhood Safety Zones" to keep the criminal drivers out of the Trinidad neighborhood. For um... 10 days. To "combat crime." Drivers only, this doesn't apply to pedestrians. Isn't this a wee bit unconstitutional?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/06/04/AR2008060402205.html?hpid=topnews

To quote someone from some other commentary by someone funnier than me on some other news article:

"Well, Officer, my purpose in coming into the neighborhood was to shoot my ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend... but I guess I'll just go home and watch 'American Gladiator' now."

Paté

WTF?

Reduced for quick sale. "Herb." It's German. Apparently it also comes in "mushroom" and "garlic."


It's um... shiny.



And it smells like catfood.


Also, open faced radish sammiches are apparently "fast, fresh, and easy."